YOU'RE NOT ENCOURAGING, YOU'RE BULLYING...

My local park has about 10 or so different sized football (soccer) pitches marked out at this time of year. They range from very small for the younger players of 5 and 6 through to the almost full size for the teenagers. Whenever I take Juno for a walk on Saturday morning the pitches are always full of matches taking place, often 3 or 4 matches happen during the morning on the same pitch, one after the other after the other.

It’s great to see boys and girls out there running around, enjoying being with their friends and without really knowing it, learning what it is to be part of a team. To learn how one structure works over another, how to follow rules, to learn to be a good winner as well as being resilient in the face of defeat. Yes, sometimes there are tears of sadness or disappointment but when you turn back the player a moment ago crying is looking happy again after someone has draped an arm around the shoulder or said a few kind words. We all know the benefits of being outside, being in the fresh air and taking exercise. For our mental and physical well-being, it’s so important and hopefully many of these youngsters will enjoy the joy of being around friends, being outside, and being part of a team.

So, a Saturday morning match is always a positive experience, is always something to watch while I walk past with Juno. Well sadly, no it’s not. Whilst in general the children play to the rules, support their teammates, and yes play to win but accept that’s not always the case, onlookers don’t seem to hold themselves to the same standards. This is a very generalised comment, but I can only speak about what I see, and every single occasion of poor behaviour has been from a man. Normally the parent of one of the children playing or often the ‘coach’ of one of the teams playing.

The matches in the main are refereed by youngsters, teenagers working towards their referee qualifications and giving their time to ensure the games can take place. I have a 14-year-old son and I would hate to think of him receiving the level of abuse I see levelled at some referees by grown men. Does it really matter if an offside has been mistakenly given, or a throw in go the wrong way. There are no television replays here, this is an open space with so much going on around, it’s going to be hard to be perfect every time. Some of the abuse, yes in the vast majority of cases verbal, is simply horrible. Think of every curse word you can, every swear word and yes, I’ve heard it aimed at young referees by coaches and parents. I’m no hero but I always say something if I hear abuse being dished out and either get similar aimed in my direction, someone trying to rationalise (what?), or most often someone mumbles a half-hearted apology.

Whilst this is bad, we’ve seen, at professional level sport, the referee/umpire/judge being called out, being abused by thousands sitting in the crowd and sadly on social media following a game. People copy what they see, and this has moved from professional to the very lowest levels of amateur and school level. I’m seeing more and more parents shouting at their own children when they are playing. In fact, screaming at their children to “get stuck in” to be told “he did you there, get up, get him back” or “you’re playing like a girl” (yes literally heard that one on Saturday, no idea whether he meant his son was playing well or poorly!)

It all sends the wrong message to children kicking a ball about, it’s a game and yes, it’s important to encourage but it’s as important not to abuse. I can’t imagine the same adults shouting at their children when they’re doing their maths homework “you’re rubbish, you don’t know how to work out the circumference of a circle” or “you’re doing maths like a girl” it just doesn’t make sense.

I read something someone posted on LinkedIn recently and it concerned me at the time and in line with the pseudo-coaches on the touchline it just doesn’t sit right. The narrative was an individual’s son hadn’t grown as much as his peers so was in the second-string team for this year. Rather than suggesting supporting his son with skills coaching, perhaps expanding his horizons to try a different position or to play to his strengths the post was all about you get nothing in life it you don’t take it. You’ve got to force your way forward, no one is going to help you, you’ve got to show you’re the dominant force. Now unless the child in question is on track to become the next Tom Brady or Cristiano Ronaldo the perspective just felt wrong. It seemed to suggest that unless you go through life pushing people out of the way to get what you want, to step over and through people to take what you think you deserve, then you don’t have a chance to be successful.

Being part of a team is a wonderful thing, being part of a company is a wonderful thing. The word company literally means collection of people, without other people it’s hard to achieve anything. If we encourage or even incite our children to only focus on number one, just care about what they want then we’re setting them up for disappointment. Encouraging children to be all they can be and at the same time show kindness and respect we’d be in a much better place. You can be enthusiastic, you can instil a competitive spirit, it doesn’t need to be at the cost of everyone else.

To all those men on the touchline, all those fathers that see success as a one factor entity are you really showing you care for your children or are you trying to live vicariously through your children? Live your own life and support and nurture your children to be the best version of themselves. It’s about empathy, put yourself if their place, in the place of their teammates, in the place of the referee and in the place of the other parents seeing you behave in this way. What do you think they see; how do they feel?

Empathy for all, kindness and respect without limit is the basis of a better life.